this is my post, and it’s going to be different. as i sit here, the person who wears tailcoats and lays it down for you all.

i am an angry person, and i am humble enough to admit it. i also have some kind of emotional disconnect from myself, my person, because when i look in the mirror, i don’t se fully who i want to see, and when i look at what im wearing, i don’t see fully what i want to see and what im wearing.

let me tell you something. different. the idea of different. people can love you or hate you when you’re different. some ways of being “different”, are easier for people to stomach, such as, when you’re way of being “different” is something that can still be put in a box and held up as a cause to support. like, me being gay- lots of people are ok with that; it’s the one bridge they can use to connect to me, and they uphold it and tell me i should have all these rights etc. but, another kind of “different” that people CANT stomach, is ideas. when your IDEAS are different, people cant take it. why? because your ideas are who you are. they make up the way you’re going to move around, crawl around and should yourself to the world. and ideas can become things that can oppress other people, or free them. even the idea of letting everyone be “free” by letting them do whatever they want, can oppress others, because their actions can make others sad and angry, because of the focus on the “self”, in these actions.
let me tell you something about rape. rape is not simply an issue of “Don’t tell our daughters how to dress”. no. rape is an issue of growing your child up with dignity. a man should be raised to know the dignity of himself, his body parts, and every other person and their parts. so shawl d a woman. a woman should know her dignity, including how best to dress and display her body. there is both passive and active types of aggression. let me explain that to you as both a woman, a gay person, and a transman. i recently went to the barber. i can tell you of 2 of the most intense feelings i ever felt all at once while sitting in that barber chair. the woman who was doing my hair, told me stories of her life; she is my age. they were stories about her abortion, her dating and marrying controlling men, about how she has sold herself by sending pictures of her genitals and breasts to the men she has been with. and, she has a young child. let me tell you from my unique perspective, being FEMALE, who also identifies as being male, and who is also gay and wants nothing more than to be with and love a woman. as i sat there, i was overcome with the desire to touch her inappropriately, sexually, and that she would not mind. i also was so powerfully overcome with the desire to kick hr in her stomach, knock her down, and start punching the life out of her, because to me, she has made herself nothing but weak. she has shown MY gender, in this weak light. she had sold herself and she needed a whooping. she made me feel BOTH these things. she is an example of PASSIVE AGGRESSION. the things i old have done, or that a male would have, are ACTIVE aggression in response to this disordered behavior on her part, a behavior that yes, is also AGGRESSIVE.
she essentially brought up my lifetime’s worth of sealed feelings towards women in one hour.
everything i just threw at you here: THAT’S different
what a gift though to be aware of those feelings. if no one felt them, who would be there to pray for each other? i was OVERCOME, blown away by what she made me feel.

now let me tell you about pot. here’s the problem with legalizing pot. you put a pot dispenser on the street. your average kid who wouldn’t be doing any type of drug, is suddenly going to start. when you’re high, you’re high, you’re stoned. you do it every day then, that is how you are. you’re in this fog when you’re doing things and talking. even people who aren’t doing it at the moment but do it regularly, give off this air. so when do i ever see the real you? you get high to get high, change your functioning. it’s good for your creativity perhaps, but not for functioning with other people. unless they’re high, too. you don’t drink a beer, resulting in a totally altered state of being.
now, THAT’S different, too, yes?

i was always different. sometimes i feel as though i was singled out to be the most different person on earth. i knew from as early as about 5, that i was attracted to girls, that i was not like the others i was in school with (at least not to my knowledge). i knew i was a man inside, i realized i identified with being a man, and with having male body parts, and supposedly male sexual desires, from before i was even a teenager. and now, im gay, im queer, and i have views and ideas that other people like me, those who are trans, gay, queer, mostly don’t identify with and understand. i want so much to be a beacon for christ, and yet my church doesn’t accept my desires and way of being fully. i have views that lots of people, gay or straight, don’t get or agree with. at this age i don’t even know im a man anymore, if that’s what i want. for now, i prance about in tailcoats, and bowties, neckties, and eyeliner, and the like. I am always different. I dont know why. To me, it’s a sign of God.

I thought this would be short and sweet. That was a lie.