you know? we live in such a culture of death, at almost every angle- this may seem obscure, but it seems to me that people are hell bent on lavishing praise on others, on anyone else but themselves, or at least on those they WANT to be like. for instance, as a musician i see this all the time. im a pianist obviously, and today for example, a fellow pianist came up to me and said ive always been impressed by guitarists; i dont know how they do it; the layout of the instrument is illogical etc. i reminded him that many guitarists come up to me and say the same thing to me about the piano and i always feel like, youre kidding me right? he then went on to say well people who acn do both, guitar and piano, blow my mind. i reminded him that most of the “guitarists” who come into my shop, or even teachers, they, lacking classical training especially, really just know things by rote, by memorization. they just pick things up and remember it. and so, to me it;s this constant putting down of one’s self. and why is this? it really is steeped in abortion, birth control, etc. birth control allowed people to have sex freely with one another, and turned it into a fun behavior to use to impress your partner with. and so, that has leaked and steeped into every other aspect. when it comes to scenarios like i described above regarding guitarists versus pianists, etc, the root of that is something sexual in nature too. either being impressed by it because you find the person sexually appealing, OR, you are impressed by it because you want to BE like that, in order to have people find you sexually appealing. it’s like the theory of why people become transgendered, because you want to identify with the aggressor, the one you saw who was aggressive sexually, when you as a child, accidently walked in on a heterosexual couple having sex, or you were raped, etc. basically, people have turned in on themselves and those who could be close friends to them, and it truly is rooted in the culture of death we live in, where we call something that is murder NOT murder, and choose who is fit to live and who isnt. or, we choose for ourselves that we arent fit to live. i like how when someone feels depressed you feel like you arent good enough, and so people need to reassure you, but if you are dying of a terminal illness, everyone supports you in the perspective that you arent fit to live.

“sexy” is a word that distorts beauty, the true “allure” of a person, and is a word that needs to be removed from our vernacular. the very word itself has helped to distort and confuse society on wat is important and what is of beauty, and what dignity is, etc. that’s why the concept of “sexy” will forever remain a surface concept that does nothing for us, and only leads to harm.

These are my thoughts for the evening.

I’ve noticed that a young white Frenchmen 22 years old has been pin-ointed as the latest executioner. As stupid because of lack of formation of the heart radical Islamists are, they parade and mock their white non-Arab converts by making thme the centers of attention, the ones to be caught, as in, making them teh ones who are executioners in videos that go viral; it’s always a Westerner. It’s not really to show that “we’re winning over your side too”. It’s really to just mock the stupidity of some Westerners.
why is it the men who fall for these thigns? It si because they seek some kind of power, due to a deprivation of their soul and heart, the intellect. If this is how they are socially, what is it that I can expect of the heterosexual sexual act? the reality is, is that everyone is love deprived, is deprived in general inside themselves to some degree. So, while most men dont become radical jihadists, many are deprived enough that the sexual act could be an act of exerting power over a woman, which, since he’s not some radical religious nut job, the woman wouldnt even notice and we in society allow this to pass. But what could i say about your typical america, born-again radical right-wing Christan pastor whose church roots do not require celibacy? And this is a danger to families, to their children Every person has varying degrees of need- each erspn has the same need inside, but at varying levels, as a mix of the hereditary, the intellect, etc.

I saw an article this evening on Facebook called: “Ask a Lesbian…”
It is all very similar in fact, to the concept of the question that is often asked: if gay women dont like men, why are some of them like, and why do some of them go with women who look more “masculine” and “act” that way (whatever that means). The truth is, you dont usually ever get the TRUE answer to this question. Now, many lesbians will post the same response, thus stating their reason is in fact the reason, but I am fairly certain my response will receive a critical reception of: “Well, that’s just your opinio,”, or, “Are you crazy?” Well, if we want truth, if we really want to engage in discussion that goes beyond “it’s just how i am and what i feel and what feels good”, the truth is that it is due to a varying degree of need. A “feminine” gay woman (and please know I hate using these black and white references; i use them only for the ease of conversing) may not want to be with a man, but she still may have desires for something that is “(falsely) seen as “stronger, more in control”. A more boyish, androgynous or butch woman, while not being transgendered, each have a varying degree of the need to be “manly” in order to “win the woman over” in the heterosexual fashion. The woman who is transgendered is the one with the ULTIMATE need. Back to my point though about those who aren’t, it is a need, at different levels, to in some way, be dominant over woman, their very own gender. I am a perfect example of this; I am androgynous. Deep down I have a need to dominate a woman physically, sexually, in some way. The androgynous woman for example, has the need to be seen and treated as a cute skinny “skater boy” for example, which is a nice cosy way of being that women never get to be and receive babying, empowering treatment as such from men. (Only the men receive this treatment, NEVER the woman, unless it’s a same-sex relationship!). So , the androgynous woman may have this need, while also being able to and needing to be free flowing such that her partner knows, “I am this way, but this doesn’t mean that sexually things are just one way, and we have completely rigid sexual roles in the sexual act, as though it’s the 1950s and mommy cooks and brings slippers to dad when he comes home from work). What I will add to this then, is that due to these needs that humans require, these being just one example, essentially the “feminine” gay woman wanting a “boyish” one is a level of “kink”, for kink is the result of disorder, due to love deprivation. Being “turned on” sexually by something a little “different” etc, this is what kink is. But, my way of being doesn’t have to be “different” if society could stop marginalizing us in a way that all the more so feeds this, feeds our need to be seen as male in some sense, and thus be babied by a woman, as a subconscious, and I really mean it, a subconscious “fuck you” to society. Society is very much centered disorderedly around the “woman”, the “Feminine” as the prize, and so you wonder why so many gay women, or rather, why amongst homosexuality, there is a “Spectrum”?

So my thoughts for this night are about human need, and how the reality is, there ARE answers to these lesbian questions and other things. The answers are not just someone’s opinion. I can be truthful in what i am and what i am after in feeling the way i am, and dressing the way i am, but NEVER to take advantage of the woman, not in the way that i feel many men do, though i’ll say, probably subconsiously on their part. I’ll give them that. Many in the gay community may feel offended by what I say, but I at least have the guts to reveal the truth that I know about myself, to reveal that there is something a little off with my desires pertaining to how I look and dress. It doesn’t mean that this isn’t naturally me. I just would love to feel and look and be as I am, without having the need or want to dominate a woman in any way.

This is a chapter I wrote for a book in the process of being written by pro-life feminists.  I was invited to write about abortion and talk about it from the transgendered person, a trans man’s perspective.

Through These Captive Eyes

Through this small contribution, it is my hope that I may appeal to all who may be pro-life, but of different camps; to have even arrived at being “pro-life”, is to have arrived at what I believe to be the core, the way in which one is opened up to the various avenues and intersections through which life exists, breathes, and thrives. Many of these intersections are a direct result of outer forces, societal impact, the thought of society, for society has its own mind, in many respects, and I shall get into that, and what the loaded phrase “pro-life” means, in just a bit. Transgenderism is one such intersection, and it is my hope that I may show, transparently, its unique pertinence to the pro-life movement.

In the most basic terms f my personhood, I am a man. I am transgendered. I am a trans man. I am also a woman who happens to be gay, and am 28 years old. Since childhood, I felt and believed that I was a boy, and was created and meant to grow into manhood. I would be lying if I said that deep down inside, I do not still feel that way very intensely, but I have also tried to come to view myself, and desires, from different angles. I have not as yet transitioned physically at all, because I believe that that is a societal pressure, a falling into gender binary, even though I will say to you that I feel I am male deep down inside. How can this all exist? All these forces? Well, they do, and I feel it every day. I would be lying if I didn’t at least once a day acknowledge to myself that I am a man. However, the other side to this is that my transgenderism, wanting what I want, has been dictated and taught to me as being the wants only of a man, never of a woman. If not for this external societal pressure, perhaps I may not feel the need to ever call myself a man, a boy etc, and hence, simply leave my body in peace. My being is up in the air, tumbling, down a hill.

I imagine that life in the womb (without the child noticing) is much like this. The external forces that push back and forth, trying only to define you as this or that. “Hello. Are you a viable human yet? May I call you human? Are you going to be a man, or a woman? Do you like pink? Do you like blue?”. The phrase “Be a man.”, how commonplace it is. Why have we no such phrase that speaks of truth, that is an affirmation of life and/or of one’s gender: “Live!”, “Be born, be alive!”, “Welcome here!”. How excellent would that be, in such a world as ours.

As I sit here writing this, I am trying not to directly draw God into this, as I know many people shall read this, those of faith and those not, and I do not intend this to be a theological exercise. However, for me as a trans man, a gay woman of faith, raised a Roman Catholic, and is pro-life, and anti-birth control, I cannot entirely exclude talk of God from this, for I cannot separate Him from these things, what I have come to be and see with mine own eyes. Enter the predicament I try to speak of here: the “heteronormative” favoritism, which is a given, within the pro-life movement.

It is no secret that the pro-life movement emanates in droves from churches, and particularly the Roman Catholic Church. One could call it a grand arbiter of this all. Having felt I was male since childhood, and being raised a Roman Catholic, I was not however, always pro-life. It did not take long though once I was deeper into my teens, to “switch teams”, but it took time, some years, to naturally grow into my clarity of vision, to a fullness of understanding of why this is truth, why this is right, as opposed to it having just been taught to me, and in particular, the truth I know pertaining to birth control. As an aside, I believe at times, I may be the only gay woman and trannie who is anti-birth control.

Through a traditionalist and sincere Catholic relative, I was brought into the fold (but not through force) of the concept that is to be “pro-life” and that movement. Yet, all the while fighting and denying my homosexuality and my cleaved gender identity, I never actually, truly saw why or how this aspect of myself was incompatible with and could not be part of “tradition”, living a life of beauty and love, and respecting life at all stages.

The problem of society is that a church, a political ideology, anything what have you, becomes boxes, things, just a thing you belong to, and such is true too, of the pro-life movement. In fact, I feel that many who are or even are NOT pro-life, do not know what it means in its fullest sense, and how to “treat” it, live it. The objectification of a movement, of cultures, churches, thought patterns, is what we are seeing today, and realistically, before writing this, this angle never occurred to me before. But is that not something? That a movement, an organization, can be “objectified”, just like the human body, and organizations are made of people, of bodies.

The pro-life movement is cleaved in more ways than those against have ever imagined, I believe. Rare will you ever hear a pro-lifer join in unison the concepts of respecting the unborn or the dying, and respecting the dignity and the true love that can exist between persons of the same gender. And to my knowledge, never ha the pro-life movement try to bring into the fold, alluded to a human being in my shoes: a biological female who is oh-so not THAT.

The catechism of the Catholic Church is essentially silent with regard to the very existence of the transgendered person. I suppose they have not yet arrived at any inspiration as to what it’s all about, and in comparison, the treatment of homosexuality within that book, practically lauds the gay person. Yet, here is the greatness of the pro-life movement overall, aside and separate from a church teaching, these great arbiters of the movement: to reiterate what I spoke of earlier, if you have grown into the fullness of understanding of why we believe what we believe, or if you are open to getting to that place, you will receive clarity of mind, quite organically, pertaining to all matters of life, how lives are lived out, the dignity of the living out of these lives. At least, this has been the case for me.

I cannot bash the churches for they truly are the ones most actively inviting us, opening the door to us, to examine life in a fuller sense, yet both they and us must remember that we are the keepers of a church, and while a church herself may be perfect, we the keepers, as human beings, are not. The refusal of the Catholic Church to even acknowledge the transgendered person within its own dogma, book of discipline, is in large part why the pro-life movement is an object, a box. That is when I am reminded that pro-lifers who happen to be gay are a group to be thankful for, though for me, they still fall short in closing the gap and even amongst themselves, experience great division. As such I once joined a pro-life “LGBT” group, and eventually found myself not very welcome, and in fact berated, for holding a stance against birth control. “Everyone’s going to have sex, so how can you see it this way, and believe that?”, one person told me. Well my friends, that to me does not get anymore “anti-life”, both their treatment of myself, and my views. If you do not try to uphold the beauty of the sexual act, what are we fighting for? Such LGBT groups will not close the gap between “religious” pro-lifers and those of varying backgrounds, because the gay person, the bisexual person, the transgendered person, each has their own unique struggle; we are NOT one in the same.

I have for the most part always been a “pro-lifer without exception”, meaning not even in the case of rape. As I entered more fully into my “manhood” and trans-identity, I realized I forgot one thing: myself, which as mentioned earlier, not even my church acknowledges. In came the doubt that most pro-lifers never thought about persons in my position. In all my parading around in drag, acting the androgynous robot, being “the man”, shooting pool, and dressing as I do, I forgot about what could happen to ME. And again, I am certain that 99.9% of pro-lifers never think about this either. Is it any surprise, when their own leaders, be they from churches or otherwise, do not, as well?   Yes, I could be raped and become pregnant. What I have come to realize, is that our sweet pro-life movement consists of tiers, much as my Catholic Church consists of a hierarchy. Of our movement, it is true, whether our leaders want to recognize it or not. You must understand that for me as a trans man, if I were raped, not even impregnated, but simply raped, it would be akin to a heterosexual male being anally raped by another male against his will. Add to that impregnation, and you have a complete breakdown of the pride I have in myself, and how I view myself, and how I feel others will see me, particularly physically. As a trans man, I m at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to concern in matters of rape, etc. Hence, the aforementioned tiers, the hierarchy.

Life is life no matter what, but my example shows our failure as keepers of this all. It is up to the soul, and its level of loving, affirming formation that it has received, to be able to conceive of the and want to understand what rape would mean for me, let alone accept a life that is growing inside you if you are raped. We are again, all imperfect beings and as such, reality is is that not all women can be in that place, and attain that wholeness to accept and understand when it is needed most, to allow this life that is the result of a violation, to continue to grow within us, thrive on us, in the case of rape. For that, my proposal and my wish is this: Not that an abortion should ever be carried out, but, if a person is not in the state to handle this, and since we all agree on where life begins and ends, and respect its stages, that perhaps this may be made available to trans men, and cases of children, young girls who are raped and impregnated. My proposal does not end there. In it, it is to be acknowledged always that, to have an abortion due to such a circumstance, we are to bear in mind that it is still a grave tragedy and still the unjust taking of a life. Unfortunately we live in a society where those fully supporting abortion frequently make proclamations such as: “Well, I don’t think it’s that anyone thinks abortion is a GOOD thing, but…” And that is a complete lie; they all believe it is a good thing, and that is why they support ANY woman, be it the woman of means who “Accidenly got pregnant, having access to it. You do NOT see them weepy, teary-eyed, admitting to the tragedy it is; rather they laud, they applaud the likes of Wendy Davis and such rulings in favor. And so, I make this plea, I plea deeply for this.  Does it sound as

though it makes sense? Most likely not. But, now I shall begin to explain the tiers within the pro-life movement and act of abortion.

With regard to “unwanted” pregnancies, let us be realistic. The accidental impregnation of a woman of means by her boyfriend or husband, will never affect her to the same extent that it will affect a heterosexual woman who identifies with her biological body and with carrying a child, but who is raped. This heterosexual woman who is raped, the affect on her will vary uniquely from the poor child who is raped and essentially put through hell, and becomes pregnant. Who can conceive of a pregnant child? And then, the trans man raped, and made pregnant. That affects all aspects of his/her identity in ways that the woman of means who accidently is impregnated by her boyfriend or husband will never know or understand. I believe the child who is impregnated and the trans man, to be of equal tier.

I have mentioned that I am against birth control a few times in this chapter, and I may as well explain myself. My transgenderism has actually aided my formation in this, just as it has in my perspectives on abortion. I will put it simply: If I ever fully transition my body, I have so deep and abiding a love and respect for woman, that I would want to experience the sexual act, in my “new body”, with my wife, in its fullness, and that means purest, sense. I want our bodies, their most intimate parts, to touch and feel each other, in the closest way we possibly could be, the gift that I as a gay person currently enjoy, as gay women have no need for the use of contraceptives. And that is a beautiful reason for me to be against birth control.

There is no “social theory” that is often spoken of, by those in place of faith or religion or any type of good solid formation. Some of us have churches that guide us, but they are no “theory” to life. If life is always life, then so too, love is always love. Just as we require a unified position on what life is and when it begins and ends in order to thrive as human beings and experience true oneness with one another (we need the pro-life understanding in order to thrive), so too then do we require one universal understanding of the love we need as human beings, that will form us, inform us, allow u to love purely, and to see rightly, and thus, to thrive as an individual. That universal concept and acceptance of what love and affirmation are will only open more eyes and souls towards the acceptance of life at all stages, at all avenues and intersections. No, society has no theory. We are all humans who over centuries over time, have had to learn more about others, and ourselves akin to evolution in a sense. We are humanity, and humanity is one thing. We require an objective universal code by which to live by, and to be able to love, love ourselves, and love others.

With great sadness, I learned of the death of Brittany Maynard this evening, the day after she originally had intended to end her life, All Saint’s Day, November 1st.  It had been on my mind all week to make a video for her and I was running out of time and thought I’d be able to do it Friday.  But on Thursday I heard her say she had changed her mind for the time being, as it didnt seem like the right time yet, and I knew that was God and providence; I had also been granted more time, and I tried to make it a priority to make the video on Saturday, that day.  I was privileged to be able to make the video late Saturday night, on the day that “would have been”, and post it online.  It was providential, nonetheless.  Here is a link to the video that I made:

I saw the worst of the worst in commercials today. Since I don’t watch television, I have eyes to see how quickly it is degrading, and how intensely. It is REALLY sick. I mean 10 years ago commercials were a lot different. This was of COURSE, a commercial for fucking viagra. There was a blonde woman just lying there practically naked, talking in this laughable b-movie cheesy sultry voice, which sadly would make a lot of guys hard right there, and that’s what the intention of the commercial is: to play off on how unformed people are, and that such a presentation of woman would be an allure to men. It was just sick. Can anyone give me an alternate translation of the commercial other than this: “I’m a hole, come stick your dick in me so you can make me make sounds and conquer me, and you can feel strong”? I mean, that is what that commercial translates to and says about women. Do you EVER see the reverse, of the object, the item, that is a MAN, rolling around stupidly and doing that for a woman. Men DO things to women. They DO things sexually, they DO things VIOLENTLY sexually, they do things SOCIALLY oppressive. And this commercial just wants to seal that sexually, men DO things to women, and thus seeks to introduce the element of a power struggle into the sexual act. That is why I so badly want to do a reverse photo shoot for fashion and what not. I want it to be exactly the opposite: where the men are doing exactly what the women are always doing. Why don’t we ever see that? Because femaleness is passive and has no desire other than to be pleasured? It’s really sick. 5 years ago at least, a fucking ED commercial would have been a little more discreet. They TOTALLY have thrown that out the window now. Our society is sickening and feminists wonder why women are still at the bottom of the totem pole? I have good news for you, to echo a pastor: It isn’t because of lack of access to abortion. ED is just part of the whole culture of treating men like babies. Oh, their body has a special little tool, and it’s not working properly. Women don’t have that, so it’s their job to take care of their man, and help them and support them in this, so they can get some pleasure and make the man feel strong. It’s sick. By the way, pro-choicers don’t go to bed at night thinking “omg, women here are so oppressed because of the fight against abortion”. But pro-lifers go to bed at night thinking “omg, there are a lot of women who are being misled and used, and a lot of small lives forming that arent being valued and are at great risk”. Inability to see the latter is due to distortion of the concept and vision of the human person. I mean it’s disgusting. Men are bad enough in so many ways, and have done such harm to the female gender, and on TOP of that, i have to see BLUNT commercials relating to their DICKS which are essentially weapons?

Not to tie this in with pornography, because it doesn’t really, but one thing I want to say is that, I do truly believe that so long as women are not allowed in religious organizations to gain the pulpit and be leaders in service, ie, become priests for example, I feel that things like this, commercials like this, will subsist in our society.  Society has only grown worse in regard to gender disparity.  The reality of the situation is that men, particularly men of my age/generation and those who aer growing up, following behind me, have become more and more like babies, and that is why women have become increasingly like objects, and are the caregiver.  We think of the 1950s for example, and we think of the man being babied, the woman bringing him the pipe, slippers, cooking dinner.  You know what?  The same thing exists today, with the only difference being that it stands out LESS.  WHY it does, I do not know, but my friend really turned me on to this the other day.  Back in those days, when we view it now, it’s so obvious because it’s so SIMPLE the ways in which men were babied.  But the difference is dignity, I believe, in many respects.  For example, today, men don’t dress with dignity; they dress modestly but basically like big boys, and women still want them.  Back in the 50s, both men and women dressed with dignity, and were not immodest.  The problem of today is intricate subtle things like that; the reality is, is that women are still subliminally, quietly, being taught that they are the caregiver, and so in their enjoyment of men, attraction to them, they view their man as just another cute fun add-on, like their little baby, their child is.  You know what i think?  i think that see men have a false guise of power, because they are BABIES, but they get power from women because women baby them-  but they’re really weak-  however women somehow feel powerful in taking care of their “strong” man-  but the thing is, it is only the male’s power that stands out, and yet women don’t notice that.  I’m not sure why this is.  I can only again, liken it to because people aren’t completely free, because society always somehow is quietly forcing a belief and teaching on them, such as, the woman is the caregiver, and that idea can get distorted in so many ways.  It’s the reason why we have prostitutes and porn with women dressed as princesses, little girls, etc.

Women have become more independent in some areas, because men have become like babies.  But the woman becoming independent, leads to the man being the baby.  Women are NOT independent because they continue to not see and be ok with, taking care of adult male babies.  Do you see how many ways this is going?  Basically, women are the ones always screwed over, because they never are the ones who can become in the “baby” position as a man can, because they are the “caregivers”.

God help us when women start saying and viewing this as normal, and as not impacting on society at all.  I came across this article recently:

http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/29/living/antonia-crane-stripper-essay/index.html?hpt=hp_c4

In it, the subject of the article speaks of how stripping “empowers” women.  Why do we focus on all these strange abstract things to supposedly bring “beauty” to the world, “betterment”?  All these illogical things.  Just like, how people focused so much energy on Brittany Maynard’s DEATH, instead of trying to be life-affirming, and life-giving.

Peace.  I want peace.  When the genders can establish peace amongst themselves, that is when the world will be at peace.

By the way, what makes me really sad, is when we live in a world where someone says to me, that your views are different and interesting, and that’s a good thing.  Of course, this person is in the right, but it is sad that society has come down to that, where I am THAT different.  This wasn’t the best written article, but it’s streaming consciousness, late at night.