Peanuts. Yeah, they’re a ground-grown legume. But, kids grow from the ground-up, too.

My fondness for the Peanuts gang started at a very young age, probably around the age of 5. Only now in my 20s, have I realized though, just how much I adore SNOOPY, and of course wee lil Woodstock. I always even as child, could sense, and feel a cuteness to it, could appreciate this concept of the cute, and the sheer fun of what was going on in the cartoons on tv. That was where most of my exposure to the comic came from as a child, from watching all the specials especially. It helped having “supportive” parents, too. Whenever Peanuts was on, they’d leave it on and sit me in front of the screen. Maybe they too (as I do now), had a secret desire for “Snoopy for President”! Ha! I just know, for some reason, appreciation for this brilliant little treasure of animation runs through my family, apparently.

I really came to have a deeper interest in the series after a discussion of all things, with my therapist in the Bronx! She actually explained to me, that the child whom Charlie Brown was based on was in fact a real person whom Charles Schulz knew as a child, and that she actually was an acquaintance of this man! She explained to me, that part of Schulz’s intention in making the comic was to (quietly) showcase the varying neurosis that children can develop. If you look at each character, you can see that each one struggles with a singular, unique underlying issue. After having this revealed to me, thinking about it, then proceeding to watch episodes of the animated cartoon, it was really clear to me to see! Give it a try! Lucy for instance, is self-affirming because of her insecurities; she bullies others and is nasty in order to build herself up. Charlie Brown himself, is self-deprecating in many respects, or rather, perhaps better put, simply does not respect himself in many ways; he has no self-confidence and puts himself down. Even Snoopy and Woodstock have a co-dependent relationship of their own, where while at times they’re snuggling and the best of friends, (and so are many of the children shown this way in various scenes), the next minute Snoopy is at Woodstock’s throat. All this, I find fascinating.

Amidst such fascination, amidst such acuity of mind in utilizing a popular cartoon to quietly get this message out to people, I find a great comfort in the cartoon. And I always have. Maybe it is and was because subconsciously, it was so human and real. I know it may sound silly to speak of regarding this comic, but there is passion there. Everything is soft to me in it, and I think now as an adult, it is partly because I can see the struggles, and the puzzle pieces that each of those characters are as a part of myself. Each of them truly is a piece of the human puzzle. Thanks for reading!

“So close and yet so far”. Someone said that to me yesterday, and it made me to contemplate on it.
We say it so often, and it can be used for many reasons. What do you think of the statement? What does it make you feel, when you’re using it? I thought about how if you’re near someone physically, whom you “like”, have an attraction to, and they have no feelings for you, you are “so close and yet, so far”. You are worlds away in many respects. But it made me think, am I really even physically close to them then, truly, since inwardly, there is no closeness. If inwardly there is no closeness, are you really near them even physically? I say this because it is almost as if they do not see you physically anyway. But of course at the same time, you cannot deny the reality that you ARE standing right next to them. It makes me sad, when I think on this phrase.

This is a joining of two souls, simply because I have chosen to write about both topics at the same time.

I thought of suicide. I thought of the taking of one’s own life. I have noticed a pattern, in the taking of one person’s own life, and this pattern usually includes a group of people, no matter how large or small. It seems to come in clusters of people: you have the person who the world would entirely see, the world in its majority, those groups of people, as having absolutely nothing to contribue and nothing worthhile, even though that person is highly intelligent, brilliant. But, this person is often overlooked, having no degree from a university/college, no proclamations to make about important venues they have exhibited as a visual artist, played in as an artist, outlets through which their writings have been published, etc. This person seemingly cannot get their foot in the door.
(That’s why Brooklyn exists; simply to make it simple for selfish people).
Then, there is that person (or often several), your typical, lost and messed up soul who calls you friend in name, but quite suddenly will turn around and ignore you. This is because they have their own problems, of course, but never realize what they are fully, can never put a finger on what their troubles are, to the extent that you can. So really, whilst this person is pained, they still live ignorantly, blissfully.
And then, let’s say there are three in the group, you the core, the one who is suicidal, you have that other friend who is just kind of there; he or she replies to things you say, but doesn’t really care if you wish them a happy birthday or not, and won’t go to your birthday party.
These are just a few examples of persons in the mix, in that pool whom it seems often to be part of everything, that either contribute to, or…. are just there in the life of the person in the center, who winds up taking their own life. contribute to the one person in the center killing themselves.

Now let’s talk a little bit about the CONCEPT of determinism, which strangely, in its simplicity, has been able to be made into an actual “philosophy”. First off, this actually brilliantly ties in with what I just wrote above, as the determinist-mind will say to you, “That person had no choice but to kill themselves; that was it, and nothing else could be done; they arrived at that point and that was how it was meant to turn out”. You see, in ALL situations, even if we may not be capable emotionally at the time, of carrying out what we would TRULY want, through knowing the truth and what is right in our intellect, and instead choose the “wrong” the “less excellent”, that which merely hurts us more, in ALL scenarios, there are always AT LEAST TWO OPTIONS, minimal, if not more. And, I repeat, options. Now, that does not mean that you in that moment, as I said, may be capable of choosing that other option. However, simply by virtue of the fact that there IS in fact another choice that you KNOW about, though may be unable to mentally, physically, emotionally carry out, this rather pummels the entire concept of determinism to the ground. See, determinists do not believe that there is such thing as free will. They believe for example, that because they were raised in an aggressive Evangelical household, they did not choose to become an atheist. Now, part of that may be true. But, what has happened in this scenario, is that in woundedness from this “Christianity”, they have become so hurt and frightened, that they have sunk into what feels more safe and comfortable. And yes, they may not be capable of confronting Christianity, nor wanting to ever explore it, BUT, to deny that what they were instructed in, in that type of Christianity, to acknowledge that they simply were misled and what they were taught was not true Christianity, is defeatist. I mean not a bit of this in a harsh way. Here is a better and more straightforward example: You did something, you chose to do something, that you really didn’t want to do, but you just couldn’t help it in the moment. And yes it’s true, in that moment emotionally you had not the strength to choose otherwise. BUT, your awareness of the fact that you chose what you really would not have wanted to choose, shows that you ARE free. You now have the freedom to work more on yourself! You realize how you have been hurt, and perhaps next time, or the time after, you can choose better. Determinists sadly view free will as something black and white: that the concept is, things are easy, and we can either choose one or the other, while they as determinists know, just as we do, making choices is not easy, but they seem to think that we falsely believe we have the power to merely choose something, even if it is difficult.

No determinism. All the way.

This is what pornography does. It makes a gender offensive. It makes that gender something to shame or be ashamed of. sadly, overwhelmingly by virtue of the genitalia, the woman in heterosexual porn more specifically, has agreed to rape- a rape that she enjoys- the purpose of these scenarios that we see primarily, is to completely magnify, glorify, the man’s genitalia, in a way that gives power, such as, the woman afterwards treating the penis as though it as done a good job etc- the purpose is to make him feel like the king, but why should i say king and not queen? is king more dominating than queen? you see, none of the terms we use for gender that are meant to be equal make sense anyway, if they truly are equal- we don’t say, that in porn, when she is placing her protruding genital into him, that it makes her the queen- we always somehow defer to the male title- you see the woman in porn is not awake- she is not aware- it not much different from a woman murdering someone in cold blood, or a mass murderer- they are disengaged
i saw a quote tonight that said people will accept seeing writings or tv shows of an axe going into someone’s skull, but when detailed sexual acts are written out or portrayed on tv, people write in and say i will never watch your show again- well, the truth is, both are equally evil and disgusting BUT we must think of it like this- WHICH of the 2, if a child, if a sensitive person who knows it’s wrong etc, watches it, has the likelihood of distorting the person’s image of their own body? our BODY. our BODY is our first boundary given to us by God, and more specifically, our skin. there is a RIGHT way to use the body, and these people are not in the right, not when it’s casually yet detailed in its showing on a popular tv show, a woman getting it in the behind, etc. Never. But, it points to something, doesn’t it? That people can live and NOT be AWAKE to things, yes? Which only further proves that there is an objective truth. Just as I wrote before, that when a person commits murder in cold blood, they aren’t even awake, really, even if premeditated. It is no different from the sex in porn that the disjointed pair are partaking of.

So, as many of you know, I had been in a loving relationship with a woman, younger than myself, this past year. She was a woman who dealt with, was created with what the world has decided to call, Asperger’s Syndrome. She was one of the most gentle souls I had ever met, and a great comfort to me, and a joy to my heart.

Courtney is a childlike, innocent spirit, and I knew, and I felt how much she loved me, and the feeling was mutual. There was something else I knew about her: that she was a genius. A genius in SOME respects, yes, and this is what I’m trying to aim for in this article. A person recently said to me, were you Salieri, to her Mozart? Ha. We are both artists, and the things she could create, I was blown away by. How she could sew and what she did sew, her work with duct tape, and then seeing her little laboratory in her mother’s basement, and the things, the work masks, chemicals that were down there, all for these tasks, that one usually wouldn’t associate with genius… nor with sewing! Let me also point out, that Courtney herself never referred to herself as a genius. She also possessed a level of depth of understanding of the human person, quite similar to myself and my close friends, and so I believe that had she had more formation and a good foundation, she would be brilliant in this area, and could understand just as much as my friends and myself do, because you see, much of what they excel in, and proclaim to be geniuses in, are at surface level. But, Courtney had another layer to her, whether she knew it or not. And so, this idea of missing that “good foundation” that would have made her a genius in the understanding of the human person, helps to show me the reality of universal and objective truth.
Courtney, being very young and still grappling with her emotions and how to deal with teh negativity she felt being seen as a person “who HAS” Asperger’s, along with some of my own neurotic behavior, and living in a world where really parents just encourage their children, in spite of their emotional circumstance to date, all helped our relationship to break down. And so I admit, that I played my part, and that the reality is, I should have shown first and foremost that I was her friend, not her partner. She does not really have any friends at all.

So, what I really want to get into here, is the concept of genius, and even just the usage of the word, and how it is thrown around. When I say it about Courtney, I am sincere in saying so and I am not using it loosely, and not using in a way to lift her up above myself or anyone, false worship, etc. But after our ending, I joined an Asperger’s support group, because she had so moved me to the cause, softened my heart, and I felt that many people in her position felt and struggled as she did. What I found instead in this group on Facebook, were people mostly complaining about quirks that were really OCD in nature that anyone including myself, could suffer from, and people flippantly stating in many of the posts how they were made fun of in school but “too bad now, because it turned out I was a genius all along…”. Things like that. I have OCD as well, and used to have it to a gargantuan extent, and I trip over my words and stutter if I’m not properly medicated etc; I just want to make that clear for people, that I have dealt with similar struggles, and not only did Courtney open my eyes and heart to this community, but I saw that I had things in common with them. I recall driving around with her, and everywhere we stopped, when she got out of the car, and she would have to open her trunk to make sure her laptop was still there. When coming back to the car, she would do the same thing.

Now, some of you may know, that people with Asperger’s, first of all, the thing has many layers to it, and so the problem with anyone and everyone who believes they have some kind of “syndrome” or “disorder”, is that they will point out symptoms that they have, that really, could not have anything to do with having the actual syndrome they have, as they are symptoms that I myself experience, etc. But, in any case, many people who experience Asperger’s cannot look you in the eye for very long, and that is a neurological issue. Also, many of them stutter and trip over their words, and cannot speak clearly and slowly, even with much, much therapy and “training”, as Courtney had gone through.

So, before I even met Courtney, that same year, I met a young man who was severely Autistic and was my age; he was a thinker like me, and exceedingly sweet in spirit. Then, Courtney came along, and, while knowing Courtney, another good young person came into my life, who believes himself to be on the spectrum at some level. All 3 of these people, very different, in their spirit, their nature; just plain gentle. Months later, after losing my Courtney, I was compelled to join that Asperger’s support group. Now sadly, hear what happened. Two nights ago I wrote a post, meant in all seriousness, in which I said “Wow. So many people on here call themselves geniuses, I have noticed. I know myself to be an intellectual genius, so is it ok for me to walk around telling people that?”. I wrote it to make people think (as always), and I seriously meant it, as well. Some people liked what I wrote, others really took offense. Many said to me “What is wrong with being really good at something and telling people about it, and thus finding the silver-lining in our having Asperger’s? Since you do not have it, it would come across as pompous of you to tell people you are a genius”. I said to her “Then that you are admitting that your Asperger’s “gives you” your genius, am I correct?” Before long, as these “conversations” on my post progressed, I found myself kicked out of the group, and entirely blocked. I can no longer find the group at all.

Genius. Who is a genius? What is one? What is genius versus brilliance? I have always been told that I am brilliant. So has my father. There is no test capable of measuring one’s “genius”. It just isn’t reality and isn’t true. Brilliance is a concept that is more accessible, and I believe, less aloof, and just plain realistic. I am very good at certain things, and therefore I have been called brilliant. This is absolutely no different from these people with Asperger’s. In life, this is how it is: we are al good at SOMETHING, there’s always at least one thing, that we shine in, so we are all brilliant in our own way. So, what I got from the Asperger’s group is sadly that, while these people are most likely gentle in spirit, as this seems to be their nature, they are still in a box, and they are part of a group. They may feel like outcasts, like they do not fit in, but there certainly is a place for them. And what I also realized is, is that it made me struggle with conceiving whether Asperger’s and autism then, are really things that are PART of you, some kind of thing latched onto you because of genetics, or is it just part of being created in a beautiful way? I was created in a beautiful different way apart from Courtney, and she was as well, from me. I believe that in them proclaiming themselves to be geniuses, they are essentially saying that it is their “disorder” that makes them geniuses. But as I was saying, I am sorry, but reality is that a test, a “syndrome” etc, none of that makes you a genius. You are who and what you are, and if you happen to be that, that is what you are; it is not because of a disorder you have, or what have you. Someone on the thread even said openly, I think out of insecurity, many of us call ourselves geniuses, and I believe that to be completely the truth about it. Perhaps yes, Asperger’s may help certain things come more easily and natural to a person, but that is not what gives them their genius, nor does it give you a free pass to being a genius. What I also got from this group, is that this word and concept, just as I am doing so now in this article, is being used and tossed around rather flippantly, carelessly. And it is a shame. And it is a shame that they believe their “syndrome” causes them to be as they are. This is not what Courtney was about, or wanted, or felt.

What I had always wanted to say to Courtney, as she struggled feeling like she did not belong, was: “Everyone is different. You are the same as everyone else, you’re not different, but we’re all different in our own way still, and your kind of different, i know makes you uncomfortable. I just want to try to help you be comfortable in who you are”.
So, as you can see, this group and being thrown out left me at a cross-roads and triggered many things. I felt a double-whammy: I felt now, maybe Asperger’s IS a thing, not just part of their creation, and look at what these seemingly “gentle” people did to me; and on top of that, Asperger’s got in the way of Courtney and I being together. Again, I will say, I realize that, they may feel apart from people, but they ARE in a box, like everyone else, they ARE a group. They are SO much a group, that they can throw someone out. And their being gentle by nature, no longer know if it is truly who they are, or if it is given to them in their Autism, just as their supposed “genius”. I don’t even know if I am expressing this correctly, in a way that one can understand. I just know, that the people I have known in person, are the gentle and kind ones. My one friend who suspects he is on the spectrum even jokingly said to me “What happened? Did you accidently sense feelings, and thus broke the rules?”. I am Catholic, I am gay, I am transgendered. I am pro-life, and I am against birth-control. There isn’t a single group or box that exists that I can crawl into and be part of, that is like me entirely, and can throw others out. I have my few close friends who are not like me but totally accept me. And so I suppose THAT is where I am meant to be. I am not meant for a “group”, it seems.

Again, I proffer them the idea to look at themselves, and just put it in perspective, which I do not think they do. I thought there was a group of humble, gentle spirits out there, but the way they behaved, made me feel that they really are just a “syndrome”. If they could think of what they excel in and just think “I’m brillliant at this”, or, “I’m really good at this”, just as most people do… So, as you can see, in the end, I am currently left feeling disenchanted, and disheartened. And, I do not like to speak in terms of “them versus us”, but for what happened last night and the sake of ease in discussion in this article, I am just a little bit. My close friend pointed out to me last night, clearly, these people who kicked you out, much like Courtney, are not in a position to understand you and us, and many of us do not understand them.”. But, I do understand them. What it made me think is, are some people with Asperger’s, aer they just by nature a different creation, the ones who are so gentle, like the people I have known, and do others, possess this sweetness, but also have this added layer of not being able to understand us to the point that it would lead them to be so unkind to someone else. Especially someone who repeatedly said I meant no offense, and there was no offense intended in my statement. Through that, I can see and believe that yes, many of them cannot process feelings in the same way. It isn not that they are not there, and that they don’t get crushed in the same way as I do, but they react differently. Such as, Courtney could be hurt and still plow away and focus on whatever she is doing, and come out with it brilliantly. Myself, I will be crushed and lose focus, and come to a standstill for a while. Again, we should not simply however, just attribute these things to having or not having Asperger’s and so on. Everyone is just made up of so many layers, and it is these plus past experiences, that lead up to all these things.

Thank you for caring to read this matter, close to my heart. Interesting how last year was the “Year of the Autistic person”, for me. Just as in my last post, Chuck and Buck, all this brought to light for me, how it is not enough, and sometimes it fails, to merely label things, people, their behaviors. It is not enough to say “I am a genius because I have Asperger’s”. It is not enough to say “He must be bisexual in some way, because as a child, he enjoyed sexual activity with another boy”. I find that in certain areas, when we do this, those words are like cement walls. And what are words? They are just words.

Just when it seems like I’m going to wrap up the article, I have yet something else to say. The whole experience just made me realize that, while people may feel different, and be part of a group that is different, they are still in a box and want to be there. What I wrote on that group’s page was nothing meant to be argumentative, and so it made me realize, that it is not worth my time and energy; they are where they are, and so what I wrote and how they reacted, is not my issue and not anything to truly be hampered by. They want to be where they are, it seems. I notice now that sometimes, people’s negative reactions towards you can bring a quick closure.